You have to be a certain kind of person to go shopping in Lidl with your brand new ipad, leave it in the trolley and then drive away. I am that person.
Yesterday got off to a very bad start. I hadn’t intended to go shopping at all but on my way back to the car I remembered all the boring essentials that are so boring I keep forgetting to buy them. Ten minute trolley dash round this much-maligned supermarket (parma ham, olive oil, parmesan, even puy lentils) unload shopping into the boot, drive home.
Oh the sickening, gut-wrenching realisation that my ipad is not in the car, the self-hatred that rises up like a tide of bile.
I drive back to the supermarket at a reckless, kill-me-I-don’t-care kind of speed, screech into a space and begin rattling through the bank of empty trolleys. Nope, nothing to see here. Dejectedly I find the store manager who confirms my worst fears: the ipad has gone.
By now, of course, another story is forming in my mind. I mean I just wouldn’t have been stupid enough to leave it in the bottom of the trolley, would I?
I call my husband, heart banging against my ribs. (The ipad was his Christmas present to me and I’ve had it for less than a month).
‘My ipad got stolen in Lidl.’
Sorry,’ he says. ‘Rewind. Why on earth would you take your ipad into a supermarket? And also what were you doing in Lidl?”
He’s so cross that we mutually hang up on each other.
I stick by my story all day - robbed in broad daylight in a cut-price German supermarket - to the outrage of all who listen. In the middle of the night though the self-doubt begins to creep in. Why can’t I remember putting my trolley back in the stack, why can’t I remember removing my pound coin from the slot? Knowing my addled, early Alzheimers brain, I reckon I just abandoned my trolley in mid flow and wandered back to the car.
Back to Lidl this morning where I track down the store manager again.
‘Oh yes, your ipad. It didn’t get stolen, ‘she corrects me. ‘You left it in a trolley. And we’ve got it out the back.’
Why would you shop anywhere else? Puy lentils, rocket, parma ham and did I tell you about the wonderful vine tomatoes? Lidl I think I love you.